Daily Morning Coffee

Facebook Wall Post

2012-02-07T11:43:00.001+05:30

Dad's writes on son's Facebook wall:

"Dear Son, How are you? All are fine here. We miss you a lot. Please!! TURN OFF THE COMPUTER & COME DOWN FOR DINNER!!!

Silly Amy

2012-02-06T12:22:00.000+05:30

Teacher: "Amy, what do you call the outside of a tree?"

Student: "No idea miss"

Teacher told angrily: "Bark, Amy".

Amy: "Bow Wow Wow Miss"

Knitting And Driving

2012-02-04T12:40:00.000+05:30

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!"

"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"

My Son Swallowed The Can Opener

2012-02-03T12:20:00.001+05:30

Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! My son, John, swallowed the can opener!

Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be alright.

Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The toast is getting cold!

Bad Temper Problem

2012-02-02T11:51:00.000+05:30

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!

Get Me An Ambulance Now

2012-02-02T11:46:00.000+05:30

A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help.

Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!

Operator: Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!

Mother In Law And The Clock

2012-01-31T17:17:00.000+05:30

My wife complained the other day that our kitchen clock almost killed her mother.
It fell seconds after where she had been sitting. That darned clock always was slow.

Thieves In The Kitchen

2012-01-30T12:22:00.000+05:30

Wife to her husband: Wake up. Some thieves have broken into our house. I think they are now eating the food I made last night.

Husband: Oh! Let's better call the ambulance then.

Best Friends

2012-01-27T12:23:00.000+05:30

Best friends in life are those who stand behind you during your bad times.
To know who your best friends are, just look at your marriage photo album!

Adamant

2012-01-25T11:37:00.000+05:30

Man 1: My son is not listening to anything I say.

Man 2: Is he so adamant?

Man 1: No, he is deaf.

Let The Trucker Sleep

2012-01-24T12:10:00.000+05:30

After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As soon as he falls asleep, he is awoken by some knocks on the door of the cab.

"Can you tell me the time, please?" asks a jogger.

"Yeah, it's 4:30," answers the trucker. He falls asleep again, but he is awoken again by another jogger who wants to know the time.

"It's 4:40!" yells the trucker. Deciding to really try to sleep a little, he writes on a piece of paper: I DON'T KNOW THE TIME. He sticks the paper in his windshield.

But he is awoken again. 'It's 5:25," says another jogger.

Polynomial Ring!

2012-01-21T12:16:00.000+05:30

Q: What does a mathematician present to his fiancee when he wants to propose?

A: A polynomial ring!

Confusing Farmer

2012-01-20T12:09:00.000+05:30

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's." The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?" And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

Morals

2012-01-19T12:38:00.000+05:30

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched.."

"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.

Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen.... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete."

"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.

"Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking..."

How To Wash The Cat

2012-01-18T14:27:00.000+05:30

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water.

3. Obtain the cat and carry him to the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything he can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have
found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Halls Of Justice

2012-01-17T14:36:00.001+05:30

A judge was annoyed to find that his car wouldn't start. He called a taxi, and soon one arrived at his house.

Climbing in, he told the driver to take him to the halls of justice. "Where are they?" asked the driver.

"You mean to say that you don't know where the courthouse is?" asked the incredulous judge.

"The courthouse? Of course I know where that is." replied the driver. "But I thought you said you wanted to go to the 'halls of justice.'"

The Tradition At Weddings

2012-01-13T13:13:00.000+05:30

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

Software

2012-01-12T12:56:00.000+05:30

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

Child Custody

2012-01-11T13:58:00.000+05:30

A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn't decide who he should grant full custody to. So he asks the little boy, "Would you like to live with your mother?"

"No." said the boy.

"Why not?" said the judge.

"Because she beats me."

The judge says "Okay, then you'll go live with your father."

"Oh No," cried the boy, "He beats me too."

Dumbfounded, the judge asks "Okay who do you want to live with?"

"I want to live with the Florida Marlins."

"Why?" asks the judge.

"They never beat anybody."

Camel Questions

2012-01-10T12:34:00.000+05:30

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three-toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand". "OK" said the son.

A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", "Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store fat for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without water for long periods."

"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom ..." "Yes son?" "Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"

Medical Help

2012-01-09T11:59:00.000+05:30

"A blonde has sharp pains in her side. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis."
The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help.""

Accidents

2012-01-07T13:27:00.000+05:30

I read in the newspaper that 98 % of all accidents occur within a 5 mile radius of the home – so I moved to a new house 8 miles away.

Chance To Win

2012-01-06T12:35:00.000+05:30

Q: What is the difference between a man who is buying a lottery ticket and a man who is arguing with his wife?

A: Lottery ticket buyer has still some chances to win!!

Eyesight Is Fine

2012-01-05T13:44:00.000+05:30

A woman went to the Doctor and said "When I looked in the mirror this morning, I saw my hair was frizzy, my skin wrinkly, my eyes bloodshot – what is wrong with me?".

The Doctor replied "Well the good news is that your eyesight is fine".

Other Side

2012-01-04T14:41:00.000+05:30

"Two blondes are facing each other across a wide stream.
One yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?"
The other blonde replies, "You are on the other side!""

Soldiers In Heaven

2012-01-03T12:14:00.000+05:30

Little Willie asked his mother: "Mamma, don't soldiers ever go to heaven?"

"Of course they do!" protested his mother. "What makes you ask?"

"There are so many soldiers with beards but I never saw any pictures of angels with beards."

"Oh, that's because most men who go to Heaven get there by a close shave."

Value Of My Opinion

2012-01-02T12:57:00.000+05:30

Husband: Am I look like a fool?

Wife: No at all, but what is the value of my opinion compared to that of hundreds of others!!

Baby Fed On Elephant's Milk

2011-12-29T12:28:00.000+05:30

A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's.

Lunch Bag

2011-12-28T12:04:00.000+05:30

Three guys work on a construction site. One is white, one is black and one is Polish. The bell rings for lunch and the white man opens his lunch bag and sighs deeply, saying, "If my wife packs me a ham sandwich again tomorrow I'm jumping off the building." The black guy opens up his lunch, glares and says " If my wife packs me a ham sandwich again tomorrow, I'm going with you." The Polish man opens his lunch, pulls out another ham sandwich, and says "I'm with you guys."

The next day the lunch bell rings. The white man opens his lunch. He says, "Turkey sandwich. I love my wife." The black guy opens his lunch. He says, "Chicken sandwich. I love my wife. The Polish man opened his lunchbox, looked stricken, and said "HAM AGAIN! See ya guys." With that, he jumped off the building. The black guy says " I feel sorry for him." The white man replies, "I'm not, he packs his own lunch."

Deceased Rabbit

2011-12-27T17:40:00.000+05:30

So...I had this rabbit that died of heatstroke after a week and I didn't have a time to name it. So after it died and was on my lap the name came to me...I'll call it floppy!

The moment of truth!

2011-12-26T16:40:00.000+05:30

A man goes to visit the grave of his mother, puts a beautiful bouquet at the headstone and gets up, to leave when he notices another man crying his heart out, lying on one of the graves in such a way, that he breaks the other man's heart.

The sobbing goes on and on and he hears the other say:
- Oh why? Why did you have to die!? Why did you go?
And then he breaks down sobbing again, hitting his head over the headstone, still crying:
-Oh why did you die!? Why did you go so soon?

Intrigued, the other guy goes to him and says:
I'm so sorry for your loss, is there anything I can do for you?
Who is the person you are crying over so desperately, he asks, in compassion?

That's my wife's third husband, comes the reply, between sobs.
I'm number four.....

Fitness Thought

2011-12-23T14:32:00.000+05:30

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the hell she is!

Doctor & Patient

2011-12-20T13:21:00.001+05:30

Doctor: Have you ever fainted before?

Patient: Yes, the last time you told me your fees.

LOL

2011-12-19T16:53:00.000+05:30

Man 1: After buying this new hearing aid, I am able to hear something two blocks away.

Man 2: Cool, how much did it cost?

Man 1: The time is three past ten.

Interview

2011-12-16T11:40:00.000+05:30

Interviewer: Do you think you can handle a variety of work?

Candidate: Yes I think so, I have worked in 10 different places in the last 3 months.

Why Are You Not Working

2011-12-15T11:03:00.000+05:30

My boss walked past my desk and asked me: "Why are you not working?"

I replied "Because I never saw you coming Sir".

Salary Increment

2011-12-14T10:54:00.000+05:30

Employee: I got to have salary increment. Three other companies are after me.

Boss: Really? Which are the three companies?

Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.

Longest Word

2011-12-13T13:52:00.000+05:30

Q: What is the longest word in the English language?

A: SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!"

Salesman

2011-12-12T11:45:00.000+05:30

Q: What's the difference between a used car salesman and a software salesmen?

A: Only the used car salesmen knows when he lying.

Father's Day Joke

2011-12-10T12:26:00.001+05:30

One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.

Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note:

"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."

Orbit

2011-12-09T14:03:00.001+05:30

Q: Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum?

A: He got stuck in Orbit!

Sweet Dreams

2011-12-07T14:31:00.001+05:30

Mohan: Why Did The Girl Put A Packet Of Sugar Under Her Pillow.

Ravi: To Have Sweet Dreams.

Wife Or Mistress

2011-11-25T15:25:00.001+05:30

A doctor, a lawyer and a manager were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.

The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems."

The doctor says: "It''s better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health."

The manager says: "You''re both wrong. It''s best to have both so that when the wife thinks you''re with the mistress and the mistress thinks you''re with your wife — you can go to the office and do some work.

Poo!!

2011-11-21T14:06:00.001+05:30

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Sun Drinking

2011-11-18T14:17:00.001+05:30

Q: What does the sun drink out of?

A: Sunglasses.

Marriage

2011-11-17T11:06:00.001+05:30

Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

Help Others

2011-11-16T11:26:00.001+05:30

If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

Light & Sound

2011-11-15T12:42:00.001+05:30

Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Money

2011-11-14T13:14:00.001+05:30

Money is not everything.
There's MasterCard & Visa.

Practice

2011-11-12T12:32:00.001+05:30

Practice makes perfect.
But nobody's perfect
so why practice?

The Wise

2011-11-11T12:29:00.001+05:30

The wise never marry.

And when they marry they become otherwise.

Dreams

2011-11-10T15:42:00.001+05:30

"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep.

Intelligent

2011-11-09T12:31:00.000+05:30

I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.

Stupidity

2011-11-08T12:06:00.000+05:30

If your father is a poor man,

it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.

Story Of My Friend

2011-11-04T14:25:00.001+05:30

I have a friend who is a pilot on a 747.

I said "Hi Jack."

He shot me.

Good News

2011-11-03T11:41:00.000+05:30

Mack: Looking tensed?

Andrew: Yes, because i am going to be father?

Mack: Oh, that's the good news.

Andrew: No, it's not. My wife does not aware about it..

19th Birthday Party

2011-11-02T11:29:00.000+05:30

Jasmine: I am giving a big party. Are you coming to attend my 19th birthday party?

James: No, I attended that four years ago!

55 Short Seconds

2011-11-01T14:20:00.000+05:30

Patient: Doctor, I only have 55 short seconds to live..

Doctor: Please wait, I'll attend you in a minute..

Patient: What a joke!

Husband & Wife

2011-10-31T11:24:00.000+05:30

Kid: What is husband and wife?

Granny: Husband is the head of the family but wife is the neck, which can turn head anywhere!

You Are A Chicken

2011-10-29T12:27:00.000+05:30

A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"

The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"

"Two years," says the man.

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.

The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."

Gifts to Elderly Mother

2011-10-25T11:01:00.000+05:30

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

Phonebook

2011-10-24T14:06:00.002+05:30

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?

They all have phones.

Happy Life

2011-10-21T11:08:00.000+05:30

Q: What to do to spend happy life with women?

A: Well, you must love her but do not try to understand her!

Awesome Message

2011-10-20T14:16:00.000+05:30

Husband messaged to his wife:

Dear, I am just having my last glass of beer and coming home within 40 minutes and if i don't reach, Pl read this message again!!

Ordering Fast Food

2011-10-19T15:08:00.000+05:30

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

One night, a few co-workers at the computer data center where I work stayed late and we all started to get hungry. We decided to order in food by phone, but our boss thought that, since we work with computers, it would be more appropriate to order by Internet. After we contacted a fast food chain's web site and spent a long time registering as new customers for the delivery service, a message appeared on the screen: "Thank you for your business. You will be able to order food in three days."

Knowledge

2011-10-17T16:32:00.000+05:30

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

An Emergency Landing

2011-10-10T15:33:00.000+05:30

According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.

The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.

The vibration stopped immediately.

A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.

Clebrating Freedom

2011-09-23T15:11:00.001+05:30

Wife: Look at that funny guy who has drunk a lot..

Husband: Who is he?

Wife: He is my ex-boyfriend but i denied him for marriage.

Husband: Oh my god! He is still celebrating his freedom...

Are You Really Sure?

2011-09-22T11:10:00.000+05:30

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Photos

2011-09-21T11:30:00.000+05:30

Photos of me don't do me justice. They just look like me.

Two Zebras Pondering

2011-09-19T12:04:00.000+05:30

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

Doctor's Note On Depression

2011-09-17T11:51:00.000+05:30

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

Personal Days

2011-09-16T11:28:00.000+05:30

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Travel In A Sailboat

2011-09-15T11:42:00.000+05:30

The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.

The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?"

"Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."

Sardar And Boss

2011-09-14T11:10:00.000+05:30

Boss: Am giving u job as a driver. STARTING salary Rs.2000/-, is it o.k
Sardar: U R great sir!

Starting salary is o.k.......but? ?

How much is DRIVING salary...?

Sick Days Rules

2011-09-13T11:37:00.000+05:30

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Boomerang

2011-09-12T11:04:00.000+05:30

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A: A stick.

Accident Scene

2011-09-09T10:52:00.002+05:30

At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!

Santa: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

Ouch!!

2011-09-08T11:00:00.000+05:30

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"

Wrong Number

2011-09-07T11:15:00.000+05:30

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl.

Second Language

2011-09-06T14:36:00.000+05:30

A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."

The Perfect Son

2011-09-05T12:35:00.000+05:30

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

Three Very Tough Mice

2011-09-03T11:28:00.000+05:30

Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.

The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"

The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"

Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."

Physical Training Job

2011-09-02T12:50:00.000+05:30

The physical training instructor was drilling a platoon of soldiers.

"I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and move them as though he were riding a bicycle," he explained. "Now begin!"

After a few minutes, one of the men stopped.

"Why did you stop. Smith?" demanded the officer.

"If you please, sir," said Smith, "I'm freewheeling for a while."

Wrinkles

2011-09-01T12:21:00.000+05:30

Q: How can you avoid getting wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

Friends

2011-08-31T15:45:00.000+05:30

True friends are like Diamonds... they are real and rare. False friends are like leaves... they are scattered everywhere.

He Is New To Baseball

2011-08-29T13:16:00.000+05:30

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.

"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"

"Really? How'd you do that?"

"I dropped the ball."

Angry Drivers Meet

2011-08-26T12:57:00.000+05:30

In a very small alley two trucks driving in opposite directions meet.

As the drivers are equally stubborn, neither of them wants to reverse.

They angrily look one at the other.

Finally, one of them picks up a newspaper and starts reading.

The other one politely asks, "When you've finished the paper, will you please bring it over, and let me read it?"

Travel In A Sailboat

2011-08-25T14:46:00.003+05:30

Wealthy Investors

2011-08-24T13:47:00.000+05:30

A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."

The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

Success And Failure

2011-08-23T11:19:00.000+05:30

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Skydiving Blind

2011-08-22T14:13:00.000+05:30

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

Pudding

2011-08-20T14:16:00.003+05:30

An man went to see the doctor with a hole in his earlobe and blisters all over his feet.

The doctor asked, "What happened, Paddy?"

Paddy replied, "I was opening a pudding, and on the packet.

There was written, "pierce ere and stand in boiling water."

Phone Book

2011-08-19T12:20:00.000+05:30

Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?

A: They all have phones.

No Legged Dog

2011-08-18T13:27:00.000+05:30

Q: Where do you find a no legged dog?

A: Right where you left him.

Spoiled Milk

2011-08-17T13:27:00.000+05:30

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?

A: Spoiled milk.

Santa Claus

2011-08-16T14:50:00.000+05:30

Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?

A: Subordinate Clauses.

Two Angry Neighbors

2011-08-12T12:58:00.000+05:30

Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog.

So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house.

Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler.

'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemnly.

The Perfect Son

2011-08-11T12:38:00.001+05:30

Peanuts

2011-08-10T14:58:00.000+05:30

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Cash!
Cash who?
No thanks, but I’d like some peanuts!